Dropping F-bombs and Realizing Things

I often feel like I have not fulfilled my potential. I would say that it has been about 8 years since I decided to settle on a career in accounting due to my own uncertainty, fear of the unknown, and it is time to move on into the great unknown - or as Tom Petty would say "The Great Wide Open." It is fucking scary, not knowing what lies ahead. I am quite pragmatic but realize that my level of fulfillment will not be high unless I take this chance.

What do I dream of doing? I'd like to study economics, public affairs, and international relations. I'd like to take a journalism class or two and write for a school newspaper. I'd like to learn a second language like Spanish and German. French? Fuck it, not that interested. Now how do I go about this? Start by just buying a little Spanish book and practicing - I need to create some new habits that utilize these interests. Keep reading the Economist, get the subscription to the Financial Times, study the language, study charts, and keep up-to-date on international issues. If I want to work in this realm, I got to know what's going on first. But also, I need to dive into the work - I'd love to do community relations, budget work, business/economic development. It sucks that I'm starting this at 28 and not 22 or 21, but fuck it. I ain't that old, just more experienced and wiser - perhaps I'll be happier in the long run too.

Baseball and the Transcending of Generations

Baseball is a game that transcends generations, brings people of all socio-economcic classes together for the love of the game, the love of community, and the love of being a part of something. Baseball is my #2 sport - basketball is the game I love most for its artistry, competitive nature, and upbringing as an above average sized individual who could shoot and jump a little bit (in my day). But the San Francisco Giants are my team - a team my dad exposed me to at the age of about 7, with the rise of th Will Clark-era Giants during the hey-days of Candlestick Park. I grew up hearing stories about the greats of my father's ear - Mays, Marichail, McCovey, Cepeda. My father use to attend games at Candlestick with his grandmother who lived in Oakland at the time. Then as a teenager and young adult, he traveled with the Gong brothers - who ran a couple Chinese markets in my dad's native Fresno, California - to carry goods purchased in San Francisco's Chinatown in order to take back to the stores in the heart of the Central Valley. These trips would consist of purchasing goods in bulk, carrying them to the awaiting vans owned by the Gong family, then attending the Giants game at the 'Stick if they were playing at home. Watching the likes of Giants greats as well as Koufax, Musial, and Clemente turned my dad on to the game of baseball much like Griffey, Frank Thomas, Will Clark, and Dave Stewart did in my day. Though the salaries were higher, top players moved around much more frequently, and ticket prices never stopped rising, the game was still the game and as it did in the 50s and 60s, the game brings together regions of people across racial, familial, and socio-economic barriers - which even today is a rare occurrence in today's still fragmented society.

Baseball games with my father are events I vividly remember to this day, even as I head toward the start of my 4th decade of life - the two-game September '97 series against the Dodgers where Bonds hit a titanic 2-run homer into the upper deck in Candlestick, bringing 56,000+ Giant fans to their feet in unison to cheer for a team nobody gave any hope toward at season's start. My dad saw Brian Johnson follow-up Bonds' heroics the following day, hitting the game-winning home-run in the 11th to take the two-game set and tie the division going into the final two weeks of the campaign. Then there's my 10th birthday, when dad took me and seven friends to the Giants-Dodgers game and Darryl Strawberry of all players tossed a baseball to me during batting practice, following up this act later with an upper-deck home-run to right that still hasn't landed. Luckily, Kevin Bass hit a game-winning single in the 11th to win the game and send us kids home happy.

I've been to over 100 Giants games in my life, of which many required my father to leave work after a long day to drive us over Highway 17 to the 85 to the 280 before crossing the 380 to 101 because "you never know what 101 is going to be like." We had a lot of fun on those rides, talking baseball, school, life. Conversations with my dad that started with baseball were probably some of the best times I've had with him because it led to other great stories and harsh realities - about growing up in Fresno with nine brothers and sisters, the hardships of growing up with little money, the relationship and close bond he had with my Uncle Mark, his experiences working at the age of 14 to help put food on the table, and his unconditional love for his own parents. So when the option came up to drive to San Francisco and spend the World Series-clinching game 5 with friends or go home to watch with dad, I went home to watch the game with the old man. We talked about how shocking it was that of all Giants teams and all the great players that came and went, this group of all groups pulled off the victory. But it was more special because we got to see them win together, share the moment together, and reminisce a little about the great players who never won and the cold, windy nights we shared watching the likes of Clark, Williams, Bonds, Kent, and others at the 'Stick. Nobody can forget those cold, windy nights, and a repeat won't either.

At My Best

When I am in the moment, my mind is quiet. I process slowly, deliberately, and peacefully without anxiety or distraction.

When I am on the basketball court, shooting jumpers and paying attention to my body movements and form.

When I am with friends, talking about them and what is going on in their lives - being a listener and lending an ear.

When I am experiencing inner peace - calm, non-analytical of my own thoughts, being aware of my surroundings.

When I don't try to do a million things in one day, just appreciating and enjoying a few accomplishments per day.

When I respect my home by cleaning it appropriately and treating it with love.

When I drive 65 on the freeway, calmly listening to rhythmic music that doesn't require lyrics.

When I am watching a basketball game, appreciating greatness and the artistry of the game.

When I take a walk on the beach, appreciating the nature around me.

When I read slowly, not rushing through to be the first one done.

Life Satisfaction

I've been reading about various subjects the last six hours - notably places to live outside California and my own satisfaction with life. They obviously very much coincide for me given that I am a native Northern California kid who loves the beautiful weather and scenery of the Golden State. But I often wish the cost of living here was reduced to an expensive level versus the agonizingly high stratosphere it has reached today - or better yet over the last 8-10 years. I often think that I may not own a home in California due to the high cost of living. I am still unsure yet as to the value of owning your home, but there is a satisfaction knowing something is yours and your not just leasing it from someone else. However, owning a home in a place that is unsatisfactory would not be a way to go either. But I wonder what other great communities exist outside CA. Would Seattle, Chicago, Denver, Portland, Philly, D.C., or even a Minneapolis or Milwaukee provide more satisfaction knowing that the cost of living is lower while dealing with more severe climates? I don't know what climate ought to weigh on my own personal scale. What I do know is that satisfaction comes from the combination of the people you're surrounded by, the nature one's surrounded by, the overall health of the air, the health of the job market, and whether you are struggling financially or getting by just fine. I myself like a level of sophistication in the place I live, but with a bit of reality as well - meaning it is nice to have a drink at the local wine bar next to an awesome independent bookstore and cafe, but it is good to know that an electrician, teacher, or small construction company owner could make a decent living in the place I live as well. Living in a s0-called "utopia" of financially well-off, super wealthy individuals without your everyday people is frustrating and becomes somewhat debilitating if you're not driven by those same values. I myself am driven to make a good living but be happy overall with my job based on the people I am surrounded by, the lifestyle it provides, and the work/life balance I can realistically attain. I don't need riches, but I like having money in the bank to pay rent, bills, save some, and enjoy a beer or meal out periodically with friends. I don't like overly self-focused cultures. It is nice to say hi to your neighbor, talk about the Giants, discuss the weather and how beautiful the day is, what someone's son is up to in school, the cool Thai food joint downtown, or whatever simple but up-beat subject comes to mind. I love subjects like politics, reading books that require deep personal thought, and reviewing the ups and downs of the business world. But those topics tend to provide tough dialogue where disagreements ensue - though it is great to have differing views we can respect due to different life circumstances and experiences.

As much as San Francisco brought great times and joy to my life and will continue to do so in the future (along with the Peninsula and South Bay as I experience it today) I am sure that I won't attain that same utopia feeling I once held for my city by the bay. I guess after awhile your mind changes priorities and you look at those old jaunts in a different light. But boy, it was a good time and I wouldn't replace it for the world.

Highway One

Driving California Highway 1, known to some as the Pacific Coast Highway, always makes one think about a variety of issues, matters, thoughts, philosophies, political events, and life decisions. I am never empty of thought when I take the Pacifica CA-Highway 1 South exit off of Interstate 280., preferably with a hot coffee in hand from It's a Grind or Martha Bros. The caffeine gives an extra mental spark when coinciding with the Pacific and fog off the coastline. My Sony CD-player from late-'99 is playing a Don Henley or Bob Seger classic as a drive my Toyota Avalon assisted by a tape adapter of course. Though my drive is consistently 15-20 minutes longer than the typical 101 to 85 to 17 drive, my drive down the One is one of my sanctuaries.

The other day I drove down the One with my cup of coffee in hand, thinking about how close I was to leaving for Prague and reminiscing about how special it is and how lucky I am to have the friends and family I have. During the course of the last few months, they have been incredibly supportive about my departure, a bit subdued and saddened to see me leave but also excited and happy for my new adventure, one in which others have traveled in a similar manner over the years. It is those folks like Nick, Patty, Bob, Jake's brother, Marc's two buddies, and the thrill of seeing and living in another culture that has driven me to depart and see where the road, rail, and air takes me.

Don Henley's "Boys of Summer" is pumping in the speakers through Devil's Slide now and I am thinking about how cool it is and how sweet a gesture it is that Nick is going to let me take and read his copy of "The Book of Basketball" by Bill Simmons as my farewell gift. It is on this particular drive as well as numerous others where I think about how Nick was a person who taught me the value of staying in touch with friends and nurturing those special friendships. There have been times where I have taken friendships for granted or did not spend enough time nurturing them whether it be phone calls, going to lunch, having a beer on the town, or just hanging out watching a ballgame. Though I did not visit Costa Rica during his Peace Corps time, and could and should have in hindsight, I hope to see Nick and other friends of mine after I get settled into a teaching job in Prague. I think it would be a delight to have the opportunity to spend time with my closest friends and family in Europe over a Pilsner or black coffee.

Highway One makes me think about the other achievements I'd like to tackle: Halfdome, a bike ride down the One from San Francisco to Santa Cruz and eventually to Los Angeles via the AIDS ride or with other ambitious friends who just want to take the trek. Then of course there are thoughts of the basic things I'd like to obtain, like NBA League Pass, a little bit of square footage rather than a studio, a quiet place to lay on the couch and read, a healthy food store close by, and it does not even need to be in San Francisco. I would not have seriously pondered that thought six months ago, but now with my testing of a real winter in Prague perhaps I can even contemplate cold-weather cities like Chicago, D.C., Brooklyn, or Philadelphia in addition to Seattle, Oakland, Denver, and Portland. But time will tell and first things first, I need to get to Prague and test the waters. 7 days and counting.

Baseball Musings

So I am in the car today driving down to Santa Cruz from San Francisco, thinking about baseball. Witnessing on live TV Jimmy Rollins' double to win game 4 off Jonathan Broxton and Alex Rodriguez's Hank Aaron-esque, quick-wristed home runs to right field against Minnesota and Anaheim started giving me flashbacks to the great swings of my modern era. I am thinking most specifically about the sweetest swings I ever witnessed as a fan of 20 years. So I go through a mental roladex of swings starting in 1989, and here are a few names that come to mind:

Will Clark. "The thrill." The swagger of the bat and the sauntering Fat Joe-esque "Lean Back" on the left leg. You could see Will smoking a cigarette at the plate daring the pitcher to throw 96 mph cheese at the belt or letters. Mitch Williams knows that feeling a bit. October 1989 did not treat Mitch too kindly thanks to the swing through the zone in the NLCS.

Ricky Henderson. I loved the stutter-step before touching first even more, but everything from Ricky's strike-zone diminishing crouch to his eye at the plate to his explosive cat-like quickness exuded an aura of dominance. Over 80 leadoff homeruns with that quick, lightning stroke finished with a bat slap between the shoulder blades consistently replays in my mind.

Mike Piazza. Mr. "Pert Plus" broke my damn heart so many damn times I could chastise him eight ways 'til Tuesday. But I wish he could have been a Giant. Salomon Torres, why did you throw the fastball over the outer-part of the plate? The man could hit bombs over any part of the field at any time. Using a larger bat than most and swinging it forcefully through the zone, it was quite a sight to witness when he would connect on the barrel. That does not, however, excuse his scraggly arm - Johnny Damon could throw out a runner behind the plate at a higher percentage and that is no pat on the back there.

Darryl Strawberry. Best player to never make the Hall of Fame. So much talent wasted on drugs, women, alcohol. Seemingly nice guy, but dammit he could have been one of the 20-25 best of all-time. His swing through the zone was so fast for a man his size and stature. I still remember the ball he tattooed to the 2nd deck of the 'Stick on April 21, 1992 - my 10th birthday. Though gravity did pull that baseball down in reality, in my mind that ball has still yet to land. Just a moon shot.

Ken Griffey Jr. Obvious pick yes, but there is still to this day nothing prettier than seeing Junior in a Mariner uniform pull a fastball to right field in the Kingdome and watch it fly out. So smooth, so steady, such eloquence. It is as if God, Buddha, and Allah were behind those swings. Not that I enjoy occasional exaggeration.

Manny Ramirez. Maybe it is the hair, braided and frolicking. The smile, the aloofness. But when he swaggers his way to the batters box, motions his bat toward the pitcher with those intensely focused eyes and swollen cheek full of chew, you wait for the 2-run double or 3-run jack explosion. The RBI king of my era rarely has a dull moment at the dish.

Chipper Jones. I'll just say it, it pissed me off just looking at this guy. He looked like that arrogant athlete who knew he was better than you and because of it would not give you the time or day because his head was so far up his ass. Maybe I felt that way because he was a Brave - very possible. I disliked them probably more than the Dodgers growing up, and it wasn't even Chipper's fault. Can you say "Tomahawk Chop" without me wanting to strangle someone? No, you can't. But he makes the list nonetheless, one of the best players and sweetest swings ever.

There are many more, but these are a few of the names that stick out.

Lessons Learned When You Are Out of a Job

Recently, I was let go from my job. I made good money, had very good benefits, 401K, worked with a group of pretty good people (notably my main folks Marc, Kara, "The Provenator" and "The Bermanator", Dos K, Wendy and B-Bart to name a few). I live near Upper Polk corridor, a nice little enclave in the San Francisco city limits that provides enough restaurants, bars, and activity to fill an evening at ease. I could afford a "Whole Paycheck" diet of all the best organic and non-organic foods money could buy. I had no baby-mamas banging down my door, no student loan debt, and I paid off the credit card debt I accumulated in-between this job and my prior one.

It has been three weeks since I was let go. Admittedly, I did dig my own grave in a sense - I made more money than I deserved given my level at the firm and knowledge about auditing I had attained, my attitude became one of increasing disinterest in my work due to my "need for something different" feelings in which I was never able to shake, and the state of the economy brought along no new audit work to an office that had next to nil since it was in a start-up mode. Had there been work coming in, I would assume the firm would have kept me and provided some chances to improve upon some of the more mediocre job performances I had put up thus far. But the work never came. I was a glorified admin assistant and researcher to my main man Ian for a good three months; however, I was not there to do admin work, I was brought along to audit and auditing I was not doing.

I understand why I was let go for the reasons above. I truly do. My personal attitude was one of frustration at the type of work, its purpose seemingly one of only pushing paper, frustration at going to clients who did not really want you there in the first place, frustration that I felt I was helping nobody but my lifestyle that my paycheck supported, feeling like I was being "challenged" with various things like FASB pronouncements and audit guidance that I really did not care to be challenged with anymore.

But after I lost my job, I realized that I could have controlled my situation better. I could have had a better attitude - people can read my emotions clear enough for them to know something was not right after awhile. I could have told my superiors I'd take a paycut and reduce my spending at home, which would have taught me how to budget better for I never really did a good, detail job of it before. I could have made an exit plan earlier and dealt with some of the frustrations and various disinterest issues in a better manner knowing I was going to leave for something different in the near future.

And so that is what I eventually got to doing even before being laid off. I set a goal to save a certain amount of money and apply for certification programs to teach English overseas as a foreign language. I had already started to break down where I wanted to go and take this new adventure, sending emails and even making a couple phone calls. But the damage was done already, and when I got back from a previously planned vacation with my brother to SoCal I had the 11:15 Tuesday morning meeting with my two bosses and HR. "Today is your last day."

To my credit, I did start to take the bull by the horns and make some goals. But by the time I got to it, the economy was getting no better, the new client work was not coming through, and my days as an auditor were up (at least with this firm and my guess is most likely forever). I did not save enough money up to immediately head out nor did I want to rush such a decision. But I will be leaving San Francisco soon to go back to Santa Cruz for awhile before heading out to Prague to get certified and, assuming I enjoy the new city, teach for one year.

Probably the biggest lessons I've learned are to take control of your situation and make a plan - if things are not going right and you are feeling that way for a long stretch of time (months, not weeks or days), make a plan to change jobs, change the type of work you're doing at your firm if you can, change your hours if possible - reflect on what you need to do to improve the situation. Second, budget for the unknown. I am not broke, I have no debts, but money runs like water. My future jobs will consist of me budgeting my expenses and putting money into savings right away when I get my paycheck so I limit my spending, notably the unnecessary kind like $25-$30 meals or those few too many $30 bar tabs. Perhaps a little bit cheaper rent would have gone a decent ways too. Thirdly, if the people treat you pretty good as a person (which my fellow employees certainly did) do not show a lack of interest or care to the hand that feeds you. Even though I was frustrated and looking to move on to something else due to my disinterest in performing audit work - especially in the future - make a plan, execute it, and genuinely respect those who are helping provide the life you have. I took that part for granted a bit as well. Lastly, take chances, especially if and while you are younger with limited responsibilities. If you want to help others, spend an hour or two volunteering to get the momentum moving out of the head and into reality. Speak to individuals who work in careers you are interested in. Write down goals, small ones included, applying the SMART guidelines - and execute one at a time dammit. That is what I am currently doing and I hope to maintain progress as I go forward with the ensuing days.